2.18.2007

Movement

August 8, 2003 is one of the most significant days in my life. That's the day that I surrendered my life to full-time vocational ministry. The week preceding that was one of the most interesting weeks I've ever had. My wife and I had returned from a trip to Gatlinburg that we took with a student ministry team from our church. I didn't lead the trip, or really do anything on it, so it is kind of incidental to the story.
When we returned on Sunday I kind of slipped into a funk. It was weird. I never really felt fully awake. The more I thought about it, it seemed as if my peace had left me. Kind of what C.S. Lewis referred to as "the dark night of the soul." I began to think and pray about what it could mean for me. After talking to somebody about it, and then discussing it with my wife, we felt that I needed to go into full-time ministry.
It was an immediate, emotional moment for me. Instantly I felt renewed. I felt a sense of purpose and envigoration.
The problem is, right now I'm there again. I talked with a student tonight about some stuff that he is dealing with. It was great. I loved it. But, immediately afterward, I felt empty. I felt the same way that I did back in August of 2003.
What's awesome about this is that I feel like God will give me direction out of this. And I know that I'll end up happier than I ever could imagine. But being here is lonely. It's sad. I feel like I'm floating in space, unable to control my direction, my speed and helpless to communicate to anyone about my situation.
Reminds me of Brave Saint Saturn's song "Daylight". JM

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